I Thought God was Going to Kill Me, But it was MUCH Worse than I Thought.
Embracing My Self Created Purpose, despite being abandoned by God
Warning: This article contains mentions of death
I don’t know when it started.
It grew almost as quietly as a seedling sprouting from the ground and blooming its first leaves, but overtime, it became the loudest and most poignant thought in my head that had a hand in every decision I made.
Somewhere around middle school, maybe eighth grade, I became aware of this silent thought lying dormant in the back of my mind. It was a knowing that came as natural as breathing, but the thought itself, most people would find disturbing and unnatural.
It never occurred to me to tell anyone. I think maybe deep down, I knew adults would find it unsettling, and I knew that the thought wasn’t normal. But I also knew that it didn’t matter if it was right or wrong by the adults in my life standards, and it didn’t matter if I told them or not, because they couldn’t change it. To me, it was an undeniable fact.
Before I graduate high school, God is going to kill me.
Once I entered high school, as a new nervous wreck of a teenager, this thought only cemented itself further in my mind. I…
